Languages in LA

There’s only one thing you can’t really say or do in Hollywood without facing dire repercussions. Most things you can do. You can curse vilely on live award shows, you can come out of the closet, you can call family members dreadful names, and hit paparazzi with your car (not that they don’t deserve it.)

 You can flash your naked, waxed bottom while shopping. You can drive drunk. You can hurl phones at underlings. You can leave the scene of a hit and run accident.

 You can use drugs. You can shoplift.  You can deride the war, the President, capitalism, corporations, and the free market. In fact, you rather have to do those last things if you expect to be invited to any good parties.

You cannot, however, be a Republican. Better to be a Communist. Better to be a terrorist! Better to be a rapist, frankly. 

Proof here.

I have a script that has been optioned, and my producer takes a peculiar delight in introducing me to his friends as a Republican. I suspect I’m the only one he’s ever seen up close, and I think he’s fighting the urge to look down the collar of my shirt to see if my back is covered with fur.

 Unsurprisingly, we have not yet found funding for my film, which is not in the least political, but rather a dark comedy involving corpses and blow-up dolls. Corpses and blow-up dolls usually play quite well in Hollywood.  But I must convince my producer to stop introducing as a Republican and merely tell them I’m shoplifting drug-addict who waxes her bottom.