Languages in LA

This is funny: National Geographic has a list of cultural dos and don’ts for dealing with the natives here in Los Angeles. In case you’re visiting from, say Nairobi or New Guinea, and you want to know how to navigate the village without getting eaten by the locals. Not that anyone in L.A. is going to mess up their thousand-dollar teeth whitening procedures gnawing on some tourist. No indeed, you can chip a tooth on those cameras.

But anyway, here’s the first “cultural tip” from National Geographic:

Social etiquette. Business and personal interactions in Los Angeles are usually marked by a cheerful, breezy courtesy and lack of confrontation.

This is certainly true: no one confronts anything here. If they don’t like you, they kiss you enthusiastically, beam at you lovingly, and then don’t take your calls or answer your e-mails. But it’s bizarre to see it offered up in National Geographic. I feel like there should be a picture next to it of some Beverly Hills native with cold cream slathered all over her face like war paint. She should be in ceremonial spa dress (terry cloth robe, herbal tea potion in an earthenware pot nearby…)

But here’s one that’s totally wrong:Road Etiquette. Be as polite on the road as you would in person: Do not rely excessively on your horn, cut off other cars, tailgate, or—for your own protection—express road rage.

Au contraire, mon cher, you must do all three of things if you are going to blend in. Lay on that horn at every opportunity. This is the closest thing you’re going to get to honest communication in this town. The nicer Los Angelenos are in person, the more vicious they are behind the wheel, where foam drips from their whitened fangs.

Just remember that, once you hand your keys to the valet, you have to be nice again. Big white smile: call me! We’ll do lunch!